I've been thinking of taking pictures of myself to log me at my almost-worst. It will be hard as hell. I noticed cellulite coming down almost to my knees. Damn genes!

I've never had a belly before!! I was getting dressed the other day and bent over sideways in the mirror and it looked a lot like this:


Gah!! Granted, I approve of the above picture because it ran in Glamour and the woman is an athlete more accomplished than I. But for me, nuh-uh.

I wanted to go bike riding today but I don't have a bike. So I binged and purged instead .
I was really good yesterday - I had five cups of soymilk and some roast chicken dinner. I was dizzy by late afternoon but I didn't binge and I ate only what I wanted to.

Today started out well but I felt sad for some reason. My boyfriend's dad made biscuits and gravy for breakfast, but I didn't have any. I feel sad now and alone because I am staying home not doing anything. I really want to get something done. Obviously working out on a machine is better than bingeing, though it's nothing like getting out in the fresh air. I think I'm gonna put a basket on my future bike and take the dog out riding.

I also finished cutting out this skirt I am making. I would love to sew it up now but I need to use someone else's sewing machine. Sigh. I haven't drank in two days, that's a great thing . Esp hanging with my bf, we usually drink. Maybe after I watch The Office I'll go out to the fitness center and hit the bike.

So I have a problem with drinking. I won't admit it to anybody because I really, REALLY like drinking. But I shouldn't do it. And it is giving me health problems of the type that might have influenced me to break up with my excellent, completely right for me in all but the most superficial ways, boyfriend.
That or I wanted to bang a few more people before I settled down.
I think that was it. And why I'm mad I didn't get to bang M. Who knows if I wouldn't have gotten all love-crazy if we had slept together. That already happened, though, and I didn't get anything out of it.

My point is.... I love drinking and it is ruining my health. I didn't eat for almost four days and only drank, and lost weight. Worse than that, I need to train for my career and alcohol has no place in that training. I just don't like thinking. I didn't drink for a few days and got very depressed. I had thought booze made me depressed so it was surprising to be so sad with lack of booze. One of the issues I had with my bf was he drinks a lot. He doesn't go overboard and neither do I. Or maybe we do because we both like to drink so often.

I'm really sad now. I noticed I haven't been losing weight and that kinda bothered me, so I'm taking diet pills now and acidopholus. Yesterday I barely ate anything, though that wasn't my goal. I had an audition for a charity fashion show last night, and the fucking thing took four hours! And there was a really ugly girl there whom they picked before me. Like, really ugly. I think I had a blow because my walk isn't as great as I wish it was. I was also nervous. I've done photo shoots before, and I feel confident in that, but I've never done a runway show. This is a terrific chance to learn; they're going to have a professional coach me in my walk. There will also be talent scouts at the show, which is the only reason I'm doing this for no money. I've been looking for work for a long time and had no job offers. I've been doing mystery shopping, which is great work but you need to pay money up front and I don't always have it. For example, there are several shops where you spend the night in a nice hotel in South Beach, and they pay for your room and two meals and drinks at the bar (basically everything), plus give you $60 for your trouble, but you have to put it all up front on a credit card and they reimburse you. If I had $500 on a credit card, I would be so there!
I'm probably sad because my blood sugar is low. And I'm lonely. The only people I hang out with are my boyfriend's friends, and I want to break up with him. I'd like him more if we were only friends.
So yeah, boring post. My computer also broke and we had to buy a new one. All my pictures are on there! Must. Fix.